I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
