Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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