Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
