she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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