we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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