I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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