oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
