thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize