Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
