He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
