Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
babies were throwing up all over the place
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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