Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
