maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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