I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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