I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
