I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
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Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
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He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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