I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
