You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
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Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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