is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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