Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
