2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
