YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
