Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Every concussion has its silver lining
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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