just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
