He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
