Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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