i just had sex bonerless
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
