So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I want her autograph on my taint
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
