What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
