Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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