I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
