I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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