I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
