i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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