It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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