Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
