dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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