Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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