you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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