Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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