dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
