I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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