I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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