quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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