So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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