Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
