she woke up with a sticky ear
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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