Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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