went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
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I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
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My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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