i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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