My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
