dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
