i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
