he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
