Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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