i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
