Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
